Closure...

Kelv and I broke up 2 months ago.


It's been some time, and I never thought it necessary to like contact him again.


A lot of people have guessed because I never talk about him anymore. But every now and then, friends who didn't have a clue will ask me about him.


'So how is Kelv? Did he do anything cute today?' and I would force a brave bitter smile and say, 'we aren't together anymore', feeling a dull ache in my heart.





But finally I decide I should talk a little about it, because people's shocked expression pains me and I don't want to see it anymore.


It pains me to recall how hard he tried keeping everything together, working several shifts to support my shopping and studies, and woke up early mornings to prepare breakfast for me just so I can sleep a few minutes more before going to school.





But I still pick a fight with him everyday and was alwaes blowing hot and cold at him for not smsing, even though I knew he wasn't allowed to carry his handphone with him.


We broke up when he came home late from work one night, two weeks before our supposed Barcelona trip. Some things happened, but he didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't his fault.


We had a very huge argument after that and it got so heated I punched him really really hard in the chest.


And then it got so blown out of proportion that I accused him of cheating and asked if he loved me. He just lit a cigarette and simply walked away.


No cheeky analogies, no flippant illustrations.


I was so angry with his nonchalance, I ask to break up with him in impulse and stormed off in the middle of the night.


On the lift down, I thought about how I was going to miss him, how this will be my last time here, how we could ever get used to life without the other.. and was half expecting him to chase after me.. And my tears just kept rolling down.


When I dragged myself back home, I cried for the entire night and my sis and my mum was so scared. I woke up with red puffy eyes the next day and couldn't turn up for school.


I thought that will be the end of us because I've been cheated before and I know how cheating ex-es never bothers to call.


But a week later, he bought a bouquet of my favorite pink roses and waited in the rain even though he was having a fever because he wanted to see me in person as I refused to pick up his calls.


He wanted to say sorry, although he did nothing wrong.


If you know him, you will know just how difficult it is to get him to apologize.


In the few years which we were together, I never once heard him apologize to anybody and would rather just fight his way through arguments because he is so stubborn to his views and so damn prideful.


He has a rather jaded view of life because of the way he was brought up, and never tries to keep people in his life.


Instead of patching up things, I berated him for not keeping his promises of traveling with me, scolded him for taking me for a stupid little girl, got very angry at him for not chasing the other day, and slapped the roses away before telling him that I never ever wanted to see him again.


And he never did look for me anymore.





I don't know what happened to him since then, but all my emotions just went haywire after that day.


I would suddenly recall the things he and I used to do, and get reminded of the places we used to hang out at and just start tearing.


In the bus, in the showers, in school, during work.


I know I was the one who angrily told him not to call, but I really wish he will ring and tell me to go back home.


Everytime I see a new message icon on my phone, I'll be hoping that it's him, but I just ended up getting disappointed time after time.


I eventually decided to put my laptop in lockup and erase all false hopes of us ever being together again.





I can't say he hasn't made enough effort. He has. So much it pains me just to think that it didn't change anything. Both of us knew that it was going to be hard since the beginning.


We have very similar likes and dislikes, we even read the same people on our blogroll. But we are both from very different family backgrounds, and our personalities are the polar opposites of the other.


We argued so many times just because of stupid miscommunications or the stark contrast in our beliefs.


Like how he believes so strongly that a guy should never abuse a girl there was this one time where he got into a really huge fight with a few hooligans on the street because they were yelling vulgarities at a girl.


He just swaggered in towards the 10-20 of them and ended up with a few fractured bones, a really huge gash across his shoulder blades and into alot of trouble.


But still he insisted that he's Superman and managed to injure every single one of the hooligans and explained that what really hurts him isn't glowing green stones, but to stand around and watch people he can empathize with getting pick on.


I got so pissed at him that I decided to ignore him for several days. But deep down, I was really proud that someone with so much integrity still exist, and that someone happens to be my boyfriend.


He always have a heart for the strays... Even though he genuinely believe that he isn't a good person.





And this is just one of the many many many many many misunderstandings that have happened in the past one month before we broke up.


Sometimes it took us months to figure each other. And sometimes we never do.


We cared for each other so much that we both had a high fever thrice because we fell sick while taking care of each other when either one was sick.


When we broke up, it was really hard to decide how our future relationship should be like.


Should we be friends? Should we pretend to be friends? Should we be strangers? Should we just have nothing to do with each other ever again?


I bought an air ticket back to Hong Kong on impulse and planned to stay with my family over there and never come back here ever again.


I felt so childish. I don't know how Kelv cope with the break up. I don't think breaking up or moving on is something you can learn how to do.


You can grow up and stop yelling at each other stupid and childish stuff, but you cannot learn how to not make the other party sad, or yourself sad, or get over somebody in a few days.


I really think I prefer being dumped than to have to make a choice. At least I won't spend every moment thinking what if I regret it. Getting dumped is easy. You just cry and get over it.





I steeled up my heart and finally called him on Wednesday.


I intended to be heartless and wanted to say stupid things to make him hate me so we could both have a closure before I was to leave, but we ended up sitting by the riverside chatting about how everything between us used to be so great.


And then he told me to wait a moment and came back 10 minutes later with a few packets of Twinkles and sushi and other of my favorite Japanese foods he got at a Japanese bar.


We just sat down and quietly gaze at the bright lights across the river and watched boats move slowly by. That was when he told me that he had wanted to marry me when he's finish with NS.


And then my tears just came rolling down because I realized how sincere he really is and how much I couldn't bear leaving Singapore for Hong Kong.


But now that Dad had olreadi had all arrangements made to return, it's not possible for me to stay. I told Kelv about it and I could almost see the torment in him.


I feel so guilty for being yet another person he failed to keep despite trying so hard. I would have commitment issues too if I were him...


I don't know what else to say....


I'm not as eloquent or as witty as he is, and I wish I could put that overwhelming emotions running through my head into words as beautifully as he could.


I wish I didn't have to know about how despite him constantly putting on an expressionless face, he's really so down. I wish I didn't have to leave. I wish we wouldn't see each other again.


And I wish I could wish him happiness...